Monday, February 9, 2015
I'm tired. I feel like the song "Worn" has become the theme song of my life. I have allowed myself to become bogged down by my circumstances, I've focused so much on them, that my circumstances seem big and God seems small. I would love to wake up and not immediately start thinking like the mother of an autistic child. I would love to make dinner and not think about food allergies. I would love think about the coming year without fear of medical issues for Timothy. I would love to not worry about medical bills from the past and the ones we're facing this year. I would love for my daughter's medical issues to be solved so she can eat normally again. I would love to not think about my own struggles with health and sleeping, along with so many other things. All those things are overwhelming when I'm busy seeing life through my abilities. That's where I've been lately. The longer I viewed them through that lens, the bigger and more overwhelming they became. As I was driving to church yesterday, these were the thoughts running through my mind. When will the struggle stop? After arriving at church, I realized the question I needed to ask myself is, when will I stop? When will I stop focusing on my problems? When will I stop trying to handle it all? Everything from the music to the teaching pointed me to who God is. My circumstances change, He does not. I feel incapable, He is able. I am overwhelmed, He is peace. I feel empty, He fills. I am uncertain about the future, He holds the future. Somewhere along the way I have slowly started trying to do things in my own strength. I bought into the lie that I can handle it. I can't. So now I am working on taking the focus off of me and all the things I have to deal with and return my focus to the One who actually can. John 15:5 says, "I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing." This is where I'm trying to put my focus, abiding in Him. This doesn't mean all of my problems disappeared. It does bring freedom, knowing that God is in control. I still have an autistic child with severe food allergies. I still have medical bills. My daughter still has health issues. I still have health issues. The difference is today I feel peace in the midst of the struggle. I feel comfort in knowing that God is continuing to work in our lives. I'm trusting in Him. I'm surrendering my life to His will. I know somewhere along the way I may once again be singing "It's a Hard Knocks Life" while wishing I could be singing "Easy Street", but for today, I'm singing "I Surrender All".