A Mother's Prayer.

In December, our pastor preached from a passage in 1 Samuel.  I've always like the story of Hannah, but this day was different.  Our pastor talked about Hannah's prayer for a child and then promising to give him back to the Lord.  He talked about how God used Samuel to call out King David and later how Jesus was born of that lineage.  It all began with the heartfelt prayer of a mother. 

That morning, the Lord reminded me of a prayer I prayed many years before.  I was a new Christian as well as a young, single mother.  While learning under the preaching of Al Gilbert and the mentoring from his wife, KK, God began to develop a passion for missions in me.  I really wanted God to call me to the mission field, but I knew that I wasn't supposed to go.  I remember clearly one Sunday when I felt God asking me to pray for Tori.  She was just a baby at the time.  That morning I prayed, telling the Lord that if He wanted to call my child to the mission field, I would do everything I could to raise her with a passion for the world and that I wouldn't try to keep her with me.  I never told her about that prayer, or anyone else that I can remember.  The call needed to be from the Lord and not from me.  I watched over the years as the Lord molded and shaped the heart of my girl.

 Now, as I sat in our church, I was seeing the answer to that prayer unfold.  God did call my daughter to the mission field.  We were deep in preparations to send her to the other side of the world.  My heart ached as I thought about fulfilling my promise not to try to keep her with me. 

One of my daughter's favorite foods is a strawberry smoothie.  In the time leading up to her leaving, I made sure that we had enough supplies on hand that she could have one every morning if she wanted.  On our final morning together, I asked her if she wanted a smoothie.  She told me that she did but that she could make herself.  "I'll make it for you." I replied.  She thanked me and walked away.  In my mind I finished the thought, "Because tomorrow I can't." 

While I've always enjoyed the story of Hannah and Samuel, I look at through a different perspective now.  When reading the part that talks about how Hannah made a coat for Samuel each year, I feel like I know some of the emotions that went into making it.  I wonder how many tears joined with the material in the making of each coat.  Tears of joy as well as sadness. 

After my daughter left, I found pleasure in being able to do things for her, even though she was so far away.  Putting away her laundry, making her bed (the morning she left was really busy), and being her secretary so to speak all became ways to show her love until my arms can reach her again.  I'm not comparing myself to Hannah or my daughter to Samuel.  However, I do take comfort in Hannah's story.  Her love for God and the way she trusted Him is a testimony to us all.  So many emotions went along with sending my daughter off.  Joy in seeing her serve the Lord.  Sadness at the thought of not being able to see her for so long.  Excitement when I thought about how much she'll grow in her relationship with the Lord through this journey.  God has been telling His story all throughout history.  He invites us to be a part of it.  It isn't always easy, but it is always worth it.

Confessions of an O.R. Snob

Timothy has seen his fair share of O.R.'s and because of that I've seen my fair share of O.R. waiting rooms.  In fact we were there again less than two weeks ago.  Most of the time he's there for simple procedures, but there have been times that we were there for major surgeries. His first major surgery was on his kidney around the age of five months.  I remember how difficult it was to hand him over to the nurses and watch them walk away. I did plenty of crying as I sat in the waiting room.  I was a rookie, holding tight to the bear the hospital volunteer had given me. I guess when your arms are empty, you can quickly bond with the simplest thing to find comfort.  Now, I consider myself somewhat of a pro.  There's good and bad in feeling that way.  The good- it's much less stressful to sit in the waiting room.  The bad- I realized that somewhere along the way of becoming a "pro", I lost some of my compassion for the other families in the waiting room.  I remember one time in particular, I saw a mother crying as I walked back in the waiting room. I had seen their family in the pre-op waiting area. I was wondering what big surgery their child was facing that day. They were back there less than ten minutes, when the doctor came and told them that they got the tubes in their child's ears just fine.  Did I rejoice with their family? No.  I sat there and smugly thought, really, you're that upset over tubes?  I'm sitting there while my child's stomach is getting wrapped around his esophagus and having a feeding tube placed.  Attractive attitude, right?  The Lord reminded me that I have no idea about their family's story.  I don't know all the events that led them to that moment. I don't know their struggles. Yet, I felt free to make judgements based off of my struggles. When I took Timothy in recently, I saw another mother crying while holding tight to a child's blanket. When the doctor came back to tell them that their daughter's tube placement went well, I felt differently.  I wondered if it was the first time she had to hand over her child to people she didn't really know and trust that these strangers would take great care of her precious little one.  I'm thankful that the Lord had already taught me the lesson I needed to learn in regards to others in this situation.  However, there was another lesson I needed to learn.  I've been struggling off and on with my health for a few years now. In the little over a year since Timothy's accident,  it seems that my health issues have been taken to a whole new level.  To say that it's been a rough year doesn't seem strong enough to cover it.  To list out all of my struggles would feel a lot like complaining. So, I'll just tell you the highlights.  I'm not a great sleeper, but this past year, I'm consistently struggling to sleep.  I've also battled my Meniere's disease(an inner ear condition that causes dizziness).  When it finally seemed like I got that under control, along came a new health issue.  In June, I was diagnosed with Restrictive Airway Disease. I'm still working on getting that under control.  To be completely honest, I start many days arguing with myself about getting out of bed.  I wake up in the morning exhausted.  It is a complete act of will to get up, knowing there will be mutiny if my children are left to their own devices.  This past week, my dizzy spells returned to go along with my breathing troubles and lack of sleep.  Can you see me now, sitting at the table I've prepared for my pity party?  How much longer will this continue, Lord? Can't I catch a break for a little while?  Why do I have to suffer?  As I'm pouring myself another cup of bitterness, the Lord reminds me of who He is and who I am in Him.  John 16:33 says, "These things I have spoken to you, that in Me, you may have peace.  In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world."  Romans 5:1-5 says, "Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.  And not only that, but we glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope.  Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us."  I'm so thankful that God doesn't treat me the way I treated all those mothers.  He doesn't come to me and say, "Really Cari? I can't believe after all I've brought you through, that you would really be struggling with My sovereignty again!"  He could, but He doesn't.  He does correct me, but it's in love and for a purpose.  You see, I've seen the Lord do so many things.  He saved me from a life of destruction and despair. He has worked in miraculous ways in Timothy's life.  He has provided for our needs.  He has met me at the deepest points of despair and strengthened me.  Why would I even doubt that He is in control and able to handle all that we're going through?  Romans 7:15 has the answer, "For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do."  That doesn't mean that I'm doomed to struggle.  It means that until I'm made perfect in Heaven, I will have to daily die to my flesh and live by the Spirit.  I need to dig daily into the Scripture and allow God to use it to teach me, encourage me, and change me.  Worship is also helpful. It's difficult to focus on myself and my struggles, when my heart and mind are focused on God.  On who He is and who I am in Him. If you're going through a rough time, I would encourage you to dig deep into God's word and allow Him to speak to you.  Though we will continue to face trials and tribulations, we can find what we need in His presence.  Sometimes that means He shows us the way out and sometimes He shows us the way through.  You're not alone.

I Don't Want My Children To Be Happy

Before you start writing my nomination for Worst Mother of the Year, let me explain.  It seems like a noble goal to want our children to be happy, doesn't it?  The problem with the pursuit of happiness is that it's an unattainable goal for life.  If my goal for my children is for them to find what ever makes them happy, then I'm setting them up for a life of disappointment.  Happiness is based upon circumstances.  As I know all too well,  circumstances can change very quickly.  Therefore, pursuing it is a never ending task.  I want them to have joy.  Joy isn't based on circumstances, but on who Jesus is and who we are in Him.  Hebrews 13:8 tells us that Jesus is the same yesterday, today, and forever.   

Matthew 7:24-27 says, "Therefore whoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on the rock: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it did not fall, for it was founded on the rock.  But everyone who hears these sayings of Mine, and does not do them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it fell.  And great was it's fall."  

What's common for the foolish man and the wise man is that the rains, flood, and winds came for both.  The difference is the foundation of each life.  My children need to learn to listen to the voice of the Lord and do what He asks of them.  In James 1:2-4 we're told, "My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, know that the testing of your faith produces patience.  But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing."  Through the storms of my life, I have experienced God in ways I never could before.  In the deepest valleys, I have experienced some of the greatest times in the presence of the Lord.  He revealed Himself to me in new ways and showed me more of who I am in Him.  If I want my children to be "perfect and complete, lacking nothing", they will first have to walk through trials.  We live in a fallen, imperfect world full of imperfect people.  Bad things will happen.  Difficult times will come.  Instead of teaching my children to run from trials, I want to teach them to run to God through them.  I want them to dance in the rain, to praise Him from deep in the valley.  Even the very Son of God wasn't spared from suffering while on this earth.  Jesus used His times of suffering and temptation to draw closer to God.  So my goal for my children isn't happiness, but holiness.  

Looking For Rest In All The Wrong Places...

Have you ever had a passage of scripture that kept coming up reminding you that you're still struggling with the same problem?  That has happened to me recently with a passage from Matthew.  Maybe the Lord is teaching me this lesson a layer at a time.  Maybe I'm just stubborn and need to be reminded over and over.  This time I'm digging deep into this passage and asking God to use it to change me, to make me more like Him.  In verses 28-30 of Chapter 11 Jesus says, "Come to Me all you who labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest.  Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."  Here's what the Lord has been showing me I need to learn from this passage. Recently I had the opportunity to do something that would be unique and really fun.  I was excited at the chance and told my family that I was going to think of it as my own mini vacation.   I thought about the time away with no real responsibilities, no appointments, no children, no cleaning, no one waiting for me to do something for them.  Then I found out that I had signed up too late and wouldn't be able to participate.  I was very disappointed.  As I struggled through the day with handing my disappointment over to the Lord, this passage came back to me.  I realized that what I was looking for was an escape from my day.  The problem is that when this activity ended, my busy life would be waiting for me.  The Lord showed me that what I need isn't an escape, but to find rest.  Not that doing fun things or having time away by myself is wrong, but when I'm looking to things instead of God for my rest, my priorities are wrong.  This is what He showed me as I dug into this passage.

"Come to Me" is an invitation.  The choice is mine to accept or decline.  Jesus does not force Himself on me.  I can choose to continue in my chaos, or I can come to Him.  The words used to describe me working on my own are "labor" and "heavy laden".  The word Jesus uses to describe His work are "easy" and "light".

"Take My yoke".  There will always be work that needs to be done.  We were never promised a life that was free from work or trouble.  Jesus said He was always about His Father's business.  He doesn't just call us to work, but He calls us to learn from Him.  How many times have I said to my children, "You can keep struggling to figure that out, or I can show you the way."  As I sit and watch them determined to prove to me that they know the best way and don't need my help, I wonder how long will they keep doing this.  How long will they continue to struggle when, with just a little help, it could be over?  I feel like that's what Jesus is saying to me.  I can keep struggling, trying to figure out how to do the work He has called me to do, or I can come to Him, learn from Him.  I can learn from Him because He is gentle and lowly in heart.  When I come to Him and learn from Him, that's when I find rest for my soul.  His yoke is easy and His burden is light.  There is freedom in the rest and peace that Jesus offers.  Freedom to lay down my burden.  Freedom to admit that I don't have all the answers.  Freedom to be who He is calling me to be.

It's difficult to fly with all these children hanging on to my cape!

Supermom...I've been called that many times.  My response usually is, "Just talk to my children, they'll straighten you out."  I have wondered what it would be like to have super powers.  I've told my family many times that I would choose the super stretchy powers that Mrs. Incredible had.  Wouldn't it be great to continue cooking dinner while tending to your children in the living room?  Okay, back to reality.  There are times that I think, "If only people could see me now, they would never refer to me as Supermom!"  Some days I feel more like the villain rather than a superhero.

When Timothy's life was on the line, I knew there was nothing I could do to control the situation.  I knew there was only so much that the medical staff could do as well.  God was the only one in complete control of my son's life.  While we were waiting for him to wake up after surgery, wondering what his life would look like, I knew that he was completely in God's hands.  I've realized over the past couple of weeks that it's easier for me to trust in the power of God when situation is so big, that I know I'm not in control.  The problem for me has been remembering to trust the power of God in the details of our new everyday life.  It's not a matter of questioning whether God can handle or even wants to be a part of the details of my day.  I start the day with the promises of His word, encouraged and ready to go.  Somewhere along the way, I find myself bogged down in the happenings of my day.  I haven't been sleeping well lately, which causes me to struggle more with my dizzy spells.  When I'm struggling with my dizzy spells, it makes me really tired.  When I'm really tired, I struggle with focus and patience.  When I'm struggling with focus and patience, it makes it difficult to complete all the tasks that need to be done each day.  When I don't get all the things done that I need to in a day, it stresses me out.  When I'm stressed, I don't sleep well.  I find myself wondering how I got on this vicious merry-go-round and just when I think there's nothing to do but hang on for dear life, God speaks.  He reminds me how He has been there the whole time, it was me who walked away.  He says, "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."(Mt. 11:28-28), "These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace.  In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world." (John 16:33), and "Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your cares upon Him for He cares for you."(1 Peter 5:6-7)  I wish I could say that I only have to be reminded once and never struggle again.  One of the ways that God is using this trial is to teach me more about Him and how to surrender on a daily, sometimes hourly basis.  He reminds me how all I need each day is in Him. So, while I am not even close to being a Supermom, I do serve a super God.  He's ready to supply all I need to be the wife and mom He's called me to be.

Does it really matter?

Have you ever wondered if the things you say really matter?  When you see someone who's upset or someone that you know is going through a difficult time, do you wonder if it really makes a difference whether you try to encourage them or not?  Maybe you've tried to encourage someone and it seemed like it didn't make much of a difference.  My third child, Timothy, was very sick when he was little.  By age four, he had undergone four major surgeries.  It wasn't until after his last surgery, open heart surgery, that the multiple hospital stays each year eased up.  It was heartbreaking to see my little one go through such awful things.  A lot of times I had to help hold him down while they poked and prodded him.  He would look at me like he was wondering why I was letting them do these things to him.  I felt so helpless, knowing I couldn't make it stop.  Out of desperation to do anything to comfort him, I would rub his hair and whisper comforting words to him. It never seemed to matter, though, he would just keep screaming and rocking.  When Timothy was six, I was pregnant with Payton.  For some reason, that I can't remember now, Timothy went with me to one of my appointments.  They were just going to listen her heartbeat.  He was playing with his toys when the midwife came in.  As she laid me back on the table and started to find the heartbeat, Timothy stopped what he was doing and came to my side.  He started rubbing my hair and whispering in my ear all those things that I used to say to him.  He kept whispering them over and over again. I knew at that moment all those years of what seemed to be comforting in vain, were not.  He did hear me and he did understand that I was trying to comfort him.  I lost it.  I'm sure the midwife thought I was crazy lying there bawling.  I was so overwhelmed, that I could barely explain what was happening.  When he thought that I was going through some of the things that he used to go through, he wanted to comfort me.  You have to understand that Timothy is also autistic, so getting glimpses into what he's really thinking and feeling are not as common as with typically developing children.  What a gift the Lord gave me that day!  I have treasured it in my heart ever since.  I learned that even when it seems as if you're not getting through, you are.  Our words make a difference whether we see the fruit of it or not.  There are so many verses in the Bible that speak to the power of our words.  Some speak to the blessings of our words and some to the damage done by our words.  The bottom line is- our words matter.  1Thessalonians 5:11 says, "Therefore comfort each other and edify one another, just as you are also doing."  Proverbs 16:24 says, "Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the bones."  So keep encouraging others, even when it seems like it doesn't matter.  Sometimes a simple hug or letting someone know that you will be praying for them can mean the world to hurting person.  We may not always see the fruit of it, but it always matters.  Galatians 6:9 says, "And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart."

Why did King Lemuel's mother have to be so great!?!

I used to avoid reading Proverbs 31 because I thought there's no way I can live up to that standard.  Seriously, did the woman ever sleep?  Did she ever have a bad day?  I've told Brian, forget having my children rise up and call me blessed, most days I'm just trying to get them to rise up.  I finally decided to quit avoiding Proverbs 31 and dig in and see what I could learn.  After reading it over and over, there's a couple of things that I've gleaned.  First of all, if Lemuel is a king, then most likely he's an adult.  That means his mother has years of experience under her belt.  Second, if she has years under her belt, then Lemuel is looking back and giving us a summary of his mother's life.  Third, if this is a summary, then all these things didn't happen everyday.  For me the most important thing I've gleaned from Proverbs 31 is that this wife and mother had a servant's heart for her family.  That doesn't mean that she was their maid and cook.  Jesus said in Matthew 20:28, "just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many."  He wasn't any one's doormat, He gave us the example of how to love sacrificially.  I'm sure Lemuel's mother had bad days.  She had to have those days where it seemed like she couldn't finish anything, where the children were driving her crazy, days where she may have wanted to wave the white flag and surrender.  She probably also had days that gave her glimpses of the fruit of her labor concerning her family, those days where you know all the work is worth it.  I imagine she also had other women around her that mentored and encouraged her.  Over the course of her life as a mother she made clothing, was a business woman, provided food, took care of the poor, took care of herself, took care of her family, among other things.  I realized that my goal is not to be more like this woman, though she was a great woman, because like me, she was human.  I want to be more like Christ each day.  Matthew 6:33 tells us, "Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you."  Hopefully, as I'm seeking God the bad parts of me fade and the good parts of the Lord shine through. Seeking God will make me want to be a better wife, mother, and woman.  The Lord will use other women to help us on this journey, but my main focus has to be on Him.  There have been many women in my life that have mentored me and helped me.  Sometimes it's spiritual matters, other times it's just practical advice.  With that in mind, I wanted to share some of the things we do as a family.  I've had several people ask me about how we eat as family.  I've spoken a couple of times at our church on this subject, so I thought I would share my notes.  Keep in mind that all families are different.  Therefore, what works for my family, may not work for yours.   Think of this like a buffet.  If there's something you like, go ahead and take it.  If you don't like it, keep going because you may find something that you do like.

1.Menu Planning-  I don't like to go grocery shopping, so I make one big trip at the beginning of the month and then fill in with small trips as needed.  I start by making a menu plan for the month.  If a month seems like too much, try just a week.  You can start by making a list of the meals your family currently eats and then separate them by meats or types of meals.  Ask your family what their favorite meals are and what meals they would like to have.  Watch cooking shows or look through cookbooks for ideas.  You might be surprised at how many meals you come up with.  When making a menu, keep in mind events that are happening during that time.  If you have somewhere to be on a particular night, you don't want to plan a meal that requires a lot of prep and cooking time.  If your family will eat leftovers, make them a part of your menu.  If they won't eat leftovers, try to figure out a way to reinvent your leftovers.  For example, when I make a beef roast, I know that we will have some meat leftover.  I turn the leftover meat into beef stroganoff, beef and vegetable soup, steak and cheese sandwiches, or beef enchiladas and so on. 

2.Make your grocery list-  Before I make my list, I do a freezer/pantry inventory.  I want to make sure I know what I already have on hand before I go shopping.  That way I don't buy what I already have.  Use your menu to start your shopping list and then fill in with the other items that you need.  You can also keep a list on your refrigerator to jot down items as you run out so you remember to add them to your list.  It's easy to overspend on groceries, especially when you make lots of trips to the store.  We've set a budget for our family and at the beginning of the month(our payday), I take out that amount in cash and that's what I use to buy all of the food for the month.  I make less impulse buys when I look in my wallet and see my cash dwindling.  Use coupons and sale papers to make your money stretch.  I'm not a big fan of Extreme Couponing, but I do use coupons with sales to get the best deals.  I think anything taken to the extreme can be consuming, even under the category of saving money.  Definitely use coupons, just don't let them use you.  Check with your local stores for their coupon policies.  Some stores will let you stack coupons, take competitors coupons, or match sale prices.  It can be cheaper to buy some things in bulk, but you need to know your prices to be sure.  www.southernsavers.com, www.faithfulprovisions.com, and www.afullcup.com and some websites that you might find helpful. 

3.Make mealtime a family time-  We all sit together to eat dinner and the TV is off.  This is a great time of the day to spend with your family going over each other's day.  We all eat the same dinner.  I tell my children that this isn't Burger King and you can't have it your way.  I'm not a short order cook and I don't have the time to cater to the tastes of 5 different children.  If I know I'm making something that they don't like, I only put a small portion on their plate.  Tastes can change, so I still give them a small amount.  For example, Tori hated brussel sprouts but Brian loved them.  We wouldn't have them very often, but when we did all the children had to eat was 2.  One day as I was making the plates Tori asked me if she could have more.  In response to the shocked look on my face she said, "I used to hate them but now I like them."  If you have picky eaters, let them be a part of preparing a meal.  Being invested in the meal will make the more likely to try something.  I also realized that my children's likes and dislikes were very similar to mine.  They looked at my reaction to something to see if they would like it.  I realized that I too needed to expand my food choices past my favorites and to not push my tastes on others.  Like my friend told me once, "Don't yuck someone else's yum."

4.Eating Healthy-  Because of Timothy's severe food allergies, we are on the extreme end of healthy eating compared to most families.  If you want to start eating healthier, I'll give you some things to try.  The first thing to remember is to start slow.  If you go into your kitchen and throw out all the junk, you may just get booted out of your family.  Pick a couple of things to do and when those are no longer a big deal, add another.  We started by avoiding high fructose corn syrup and hydrogenated oils.  I've seen the commercials out there saying that there's no difference between high fructose corn syrup, sugar, honey, or natural sugars.  It's made from corn, so no big deal right?  Well ethanol is made from corn too but you wouldn't belly up to the gas tank.  Research if for yourself, just steer clear of the advice of people who are profiting from what they tell you.  Dr. Oz is a great source of information and he doesn't endorse any products.  Therefore he's not profiting of what he tells you to eat.  You may want to start eating organic but don't know where to start.  I found a list of foods to buy organic and those that weren't as important.  The top 12 foods to buy organic were-grapes, cherries, nectarines, strawberries, potatoes, spinach, blueberries, peaches, kale/collard greens, sweet bell peppers, apples, and celery.  A good place to start buying organic would be with an item on this list that your family consumes the most.  It also helps to eat seasonally to help cut down on the cost.  The top 12 most pesticide free produce- onions, pineapples, asparagus, eggplant, avocados, mango, kiwi, cantaloupe, frozen sweet corn, frozen sweet peas, cabbage, and watermelon.  My general rule is if I have to peel it to eat it, I don't buy organic.  Stores are getting larger selections of natural and organic food.  Look for Farmer's Markets next summer to find organically grown local produce at a great price.